More Nights, More Stories

#092



I remember one time in Werber, we were studying about the origins of the Black Death. At that time, Natasha and me......had some kind of weird, home country competition. Hers was Russia, and mine was pretty much anywhere in Asia.

So Werber puts a video on about the Black Death. About halfway in the video, the narrator says, " The Black Death first originated somewhere in China"

Here Natasha glances at me, stands up, and calls out a " HA!". But the video continues.

' The disease then traveled through Nothern Russia and then to Europe'



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#361

In Catalina, Roy had a weird ass watch. And he forgot to take it off before we got in the water. So when we got out, and took off out wetsuits, i heard a beeping sound. Jed heard it too, apparently, because he then said, " where the hell is that coming from?"

I motion towards his watch.

"oh........." he says.

"What the hell?" Roy presses on his watch, pushing various dials and buttons, trying to fix it.

Even after we dress up in our normal clothes, and head back to the cabins, its still beeping. Jed and me are pissed, while Roy is still pressing stuff on his watch.

I get fed up, and say to Roy, " Gimme that thing, i know how to make it stop beeping"

Roy stares at my suspiciously" Yeah right, how do you know?"

"Im asian, i know a lot of things."

Relunctantly, he takes it off his wrist, and hands it to me. I take in my hand, look at for a while, and then smash in on the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT !!!!!????"

I stare at him blankly and say" Hey, at least i made it stop beeping"

Jed laughes, I laugh, and even Roy eventually found it funny.



And so it shall be

1001 Korean Nights

Korean short story # 523

Im at kinkos. Im doing some project and i need two copies. The lady behind the counter is fat. REALLY fat.

" Ok Clyde" I think to myself. " Dont laugh, dont stare, dont think"

lady - hi

me- hi, can i have two color copies?

lady-sure

She runs the copies on the machines behind her, she comes back.

lady- that will be $3.45

me- WHAT! Can you run a double chin?

inside my head- SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

#391

Im walking my dog along the block. A black man with his kids are running around the front yard. The dad is sitting on the porch.

He sees my and waves, "Hey there!" He says with a smile. His kids stare at my dog.

"Hi!" i wave back. Then my dog suddenly stops. He hunches up and gets rigid. Hes taking a crap. Thankfully theres a hedge and he cant see my dog. But he kids do. They just kinda stand there, staring. My dog finally finishes.

Me- Ok, well, got to go. Its getting dark.

Guy- Really? 4:00 in the afternoon.

me-..........................uh, yeah......

I start running and behind me i hear the kids telling him about the 'poopie'


And so it shall be.............

Pho

Everything was normal in the studio. Class ends, and then Peter talks about the chat room we had some nights ago. The topic: Pho, and how it kicks ass. Then Josh comes by and i ask him, " Hey, you love pho, right?"

He stares at me blankly, and then says, " Whats pho?"

Me and Peter look at each other with wide eyes. Whats pho? Not knowing what pho is when your asian is like not knowing what a hot dog is if your american. I decide to make sure and hes not joking.

"What do you mean, you dont know what pho is?"

"No, what is it?"

".............you bastard...."

"WHAT?????"

Then Peter starts to speak up. " Your not asian anymore"

I decide to rub it in a little more. " All koreans know what pho is. I bet thats why your eyes are so wide."

" HEY! At least i dont have chinky eyes!"

"Are you ashamed of almond eyes?"

" I bet even richard knows what pho is!"

So i yell out to the man, " Hey! You know what pho is?"

Richard turns around, " Oh, you mean that asian noodles, yeah, they're good"

Now i turn back to Josh. " See, even Richard knows what pho is, and hes mexican."

"ok, ok, ok" Josh admits.

Its time to go to Kumdo. And in the car i burst out laughing. Whats pho? Unbelievable.

And so it shall be..............

No More

When i went to the local, korean barbershop for my monthly head shearing and sideburn shaving, i saw a picture on the korean newspaper that caught my eye. In it, were some dozen korean soldiers, but what got my attention was a 5 year old little girl, clutching the leg of one of the men in arms. On the bottom, it said in korean " Apa, an gajima" Which translates into " Dad, please dont go". And then it said that these brave korean soldiers were going to Iraq.

WHAT!!!??? Why the fuck are other countries sending troops to Iraq? This is America's war with Iraq. Its America and Iraq who are fighting the war. AMERICA AND IRAQ. Im even still confused on why America still has troops there.

What amazes me more is that everyone supports the war, except for those whose family died there. Its like baseball fans. You only root for your team until they lose, and then you hate them.

Poor little girl...................god dammit

no more
no mas
Kein mehr
nessuno più
нет больше
不再
더 이상
não mais

그리고 이렇게 그것은 이을 것이다......................

The Real Catalina Crew

I loved the Catalina trip. That trip was just plain kick-ass. Thats when i really was me and i approached everything with a humorous attitude. I remember when Roy was blinding everyone with the flash on his camera. So when my, Jed, and Roy were in our bunks, we turned off the lights and flashed the wall. It was pretty cool, everything had a metallic effect. So we flashed our hands and faces and watched in awe as our skin turned silver with the power of a lightbulb. So when Roy pointed the camera at me again, i flipped up both fingers and mouthed 'fuck you' to the lens. Roy flashed it and then we heard a whirring noise. We all started at each other. Oh shit. Roy looked at the film count. It was one down....................

So, i just climbed into my bunk and started laughing my ass off. I dont know why, but something about having a picture of me with both my hands up and my face in an aggresive manner made me smile. Of course Roy was pissed. And Jed tried to stay out of the red zone.

Roy finally got his revenge when me, Jed, Tori, Meagen, Jordi, Rachel, Shantara (is that how you spell it?) and Denise were waiting outside. Roy was still in the room, and we were all waiting outside the building. Finally we got pissed. The conversation went as follows.

Jed - What the hell is taking so long?
Me- I dont know
Tori- Clyde, hurry up and get him out.
Me- WHAT?! He's pretty pissed at me, i dont think i should.........
Tori- Come on, whats the worst thing that can happen???

Well, it was pretty bad. Turns out Roy was just waiting for me to show up in the door. When i stepped in, i deadpanned, " come on Roy, lets just go down to the........"

Here Roy chucks a shoe right at my balls and makes a direct hit. In my mind im screaming, " MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!"

I lean my way out of the building where everyone was wondering why i doubled over.

The beach was still fun. All 8 of us made our own memorials.



And in case you were wondering what triggered this memory back into my mind, it was a picture of all of us, huddled on the grass.


Jed you damn hippie............................










Dedicated to one of the crew coming back from her homecountry. Some crazy things happened when you were gone.

Matt Damon Sucks

Matt Damon Sucks. That is all...........seriously..............





























if you bothered to come down here, you should die

Osama the Allah

In the morning, i had to vacuum the whole house. Whenever its a free morning, my mom automatically makes me work the house. So while dragging the 10 year old metal piece of crap, i started thinking, what is Osama Bin Laden was a pop star. I thought about it, then laughed myself shitless. You know how pimp that would be?






Featuring 'Osama the Allah', and famous sound artist, 'Suicide Bombings'


That is the shit. That would be awesome. If he made a CD, i'd buy it. You know what it would sound like? It would have him saying 'allah' a couple hundred times while suicide bombing go off in the backround. Can you imagine what the music video would be like??????

While i was thinking this and enjoying my useless thoughts, i ran over my foot with the vacuum. But still, i wondor what it would be like if he was a rap artist. AHAHAHA. And Bush was his rival.




Featuring his newest Album : I AM NOT A PUPPET!

Jeez, that would rock. ACDC is dick cheney, and suddam hussien is tommy lee jones!

And so it shall be...........

The First White Man

The studio has changed alot from when it first opened. We now have more, stronger punching bags, leg restraints, and now a mirror. Not to mention the first white kid ever to join.

My TKD studio is located in a mexican community. Its cool, sometimes i get tamales and free pizza. Anyways, most of the students are mexican (obviously). I am one of the few asians attending. So when a white kid joined i decided to have a little fun. Hes about my age, blue belt. So i look at Josh and say " hey, look, the first white kid" And then i put on an evil smirk. He automatically knows what im thinking.

"Dude, your evil man"

"Oh come on, its not like im going to kill him"

"Really? What about that time you kicked me in the head at sparring"

" Oh come on, i was just pissed off"

" Exacatly"

Now Peter hears our conversation and interjects.

" Yeah Clyde, i remember when you kicked me in the head.................twice"

" Thats cuz ur short as hell, everyone else i sparr is like, two feet taller man, im used to fighting people Willy's height."

Now Willy hears us, and then eyes the white kid. He comes over.

Willy- Holy shit man, a white kid

me- Yeah, amazing isnt it?

Willy- Hehehehehehe time to spill some blood.

me- and you guys said i was evil......................

Peter and Josh- well, you still are

And then richard comes in. We disperse and i talk to Richard.

Richard- Dude, a white kid!

me- Yeah i know............

Richard- hehehehehe time to spill some blood.

I start laughing like crazy and everyone now thinks im on crack, which i havent been doing...............for at least 5 months now..................

Cody(white boy) is pretty good. Not that good at fighting, but his forms alright. Lucky for him, sabuhneem didnt put him against me in sparring. Not Willy, not Richard, not even Peter. But Josh was the lucky winner. Suffice to say, Josh won.

I feel kinda sorry for him. Everyone is tan skinned here, and BAM! Here's a pale white kid that still wears a red t-shirt while everyone else is in their white do-boks.

I feel sorry, cuz i felt that way when i went to Ellad's reading. Imagine, me, surrounded by hundreds of jews..........all staring at me.......................

So yeah, i think hes gonna be just fine, as long as he doesnt fight willy, richard, or me.

And so we passed a white milestone.....................

5 Million for a Black Circle

A couple of days ago, i was watching some program, dont know what it was called, but it showed abstract art. It said that people cant tell real abtract art from the real thing. To prove it, they had 4 year old kids doodle on a canvas, and then they had real masterpieces. Turns out that the people couldnt tell the difference. Even the white woman, who sounded British, and was the head of the museum, couldn't tell the difference. For a final stunt, real abstract painters came, and they got it wrong too.

It said that a black circle, one that was made by a real artist, was sold for 5 million dollars. Who the hell pays 5 million for a circle?



Behold, the best goddamn black circle you will ever see. This is the actual painting that was sold for 5 million dollars. I found this by searching google. In images, type in 'black circle art'

Im no artist expert but its a black circle. I dont see and 'light and dark' concepts. I dont see a story. I see a BLACK CIRCLE ON WHITE PAPER!!!

I would love to see the guy to owns this right now. And the things he says to his friends when he brags about it.

" Oh hey, did your daughter do that?"

" The circle? HELL NO! THATS A ONE OF A KIND PURE GENUINE ABTRACT CIRCLE!!! CANT YOU SEE THE AUTHENICITY IN ITS DARK SPHERE?!?!"

" So..................was it your son who did it then?"



Maybe i should draw a blue stick and sell it for 2.5 mil.





What!!! Its not a TIC TAC TOE GAME, ITS A STORY ABOUT 9 SQUARES WHO KNOW EACH OTHER BUT CANNOT MEET EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF THEIR BLUE BOUNDIRES!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS THINKING!!!!!

Hahaha, 5 million for a circle, thats too funny.

And so it shall be...........

I am a racist if......

Yup, youve heard the news everybody, im racist. Despite the fact that the 'Dave Chapelle's show' is all about making fun of black people, when Dave Chapelle, is black, this show is one of the most popular on CC. And despite the racism from Maddox, millions of people come to his website. Im not shitting you, millions.

South Park, they make fun of asian people. I remember when they made fun of the small penis stereotype of asians. But you know what? I DONT FUCKING CARE!!!!

Nigger, chink, gook, round eye, sand nigger, spics, nips. There, i think i have said every race in the unproper way.

Guess where i got this from? Thats right russian, the god damn best web page in the universe.

http://maddox.xmission.com/hatemail.cgi?p=1#CLUETRAIN

Thats classic. Now i wondor, will you still bitch about my website.

Most likely yes, cuz your all a bunch of niggers, chinks, spics, nips, russians, gooks..........................

And so im racist............bite me you damn republicans.......

You Are........Part 2

You are a hopeless sympathizer if............

1. You cried when you heard that your friends, cousins, uncle, grandsons, aunt died.

2. You cried when Terry Shivo died.

3. You cried when your pet plant died.

4. You made your will before the age of 40.

You are a political idiot if..........

1. You actually care enough to picket against/for gay marraige.

2. You think Bill Clinton is a sell out.

3. You think MPV stands for My Political Views.

4. You saw the movie, the Manchurian Canadate, and hated it.

5. You think Michael Moore is a traitor.

6. You think Britain has to beef up security.

You are Russian if..........

1. Your last name is more than 4 syllables.

2. You pronounce your double l's like r's.

3. You pronounce your r's like double l's.

4. You actually know how many variables a AK has.

5. You still think Russia is a country. ( Technically, it isnt after the breakup if the U.S.S.R) Prove me if im wrong. But thats what i heard.

6. You pledge everyday to the 'motherland'

7. You suck at piano.

You are American if..........God im gonna love this

1. You think Britains need to get more jobs.

2. You think China is going to flunk.

3. You think your still drunk, but actually, its the STD's.

4. Your addicted to BET.

5. Your addicted to black people, in general.

6. You like NASCAR.

7. You like Japenese people.

8. You still think China is going to flunk.

9. Your last name ends in a "berg".

You are Japenese if........

1. You still think you won over America with Sony.

2. You last name has 18 consnants and 3 vowels.

3. When you draw asian people, you make the eyes bigger than anything else.

4. Your ashamed of slant eyes.

5. Your mom cant make any form of sushi.

6. You have the weirdest shit in your house.

7. You never admit to your faults. Even thought your whole culture is built on HONOR, you dont have any.

You are Korean if.........

1. You know the original 3 korean kingdoms.

2. You know which kingdom eventually formed Japan.

3. You hate Japanese people for what they do.

4. You take Kumdo, instead of Kendo, Taekwondo, instead of Karate.

5. Everything in your house is from Samsung.

6. You have rice once every 6 hours.

7. You love pho.

8. You know the 3 biggest Korean families.

9. You know the Korean soccer song.

10. You cant play basketball..................ever



I can go on and on, but i choose not to.

PILSUM KOREA!

And so it this was the second part...............

You Are a......

A new master came in the dojang. I might switch to mooin kwan. Anyways, ive thought of a way to determine who you are.



You are a MTV brainwashed idiot if.....

1. You watch more than one hour of MTV, a week

2. You like more than 3 Little Jon Songs.

3. You think Brad Pitt is a great actor.

4. You have a Green Day shirt or more than 5 of those rubber bands.

5. You have never been hit by your parents.

6. You think Chrismukkah is cool.


I hate Green Day. Though i must admit, they are imaginative. Who else would think of making a red, beating heart into a hand grenade?

You are a Jew if......

1. You think Asians are the most stingy race group

2. You shizoogle is bigger than your shiznit.

3. You live in Calabasas, and still wear Vans.

4. You drive a American car


You are a Asian if........

1. You try to save every dollar possible.

2. You take 2 forms of martial arts. 1 is acceptable only if it is Kumdo, TKD, or Kung-Fu.

3. You get punished with brute force, not "grounding".

4. You eyes are less than half an ich wide.

5. Good grades. You dont realy have a choice thought. Straight A's, or Straight to Hell


You are black if......

1. You love making fun out of white people.

2. You either have an afro, dreadlocks, or your bald.

3. You hate it when people say 'shizoogle'

4. Your skin is brown.

5. You love the game GTA

You are a white, black wannabe.........

1. You take pride in being called a nigger.

2. Your favorite show is the "Dave Chappelle Show"

3. You have hydraulics on your Mitsubishi.

4. You wear a doorag.......a red one.

You are social life loser if..........

1. Your only contact with other humans is with the computer.

2. You c4n r34d th15 1n und3er 4 s3]0nd5. 1 4m 1337or5.

I got that from a website. It originally says ' if you can read this, you really need to get laid'

3. You spent more than an hour a day playing a RPG

4. You are level 100 at any game.

5. You think O.C. stands for Out Cybering.

6. You know what MMORPG. I only found out what it meant by googling it.

Ok, im done. If you want me to do something specific like this, tell me.

And so you are a.............